Tax-time devil's dictionary of DC lingo!

WASHINGTON (PNN) - April 15, 2015 - April 15 is the day each year when Amerikans are most likely to slander Washington. Unfortunately, the city's nebulous nomenclature deters citizens from recognizing exactly how well their elected leaders serve them.

To bridge the gap between the nation's capital and the Amerikan people, here is Washingtonese translated into the vernacular:

Principled — profitably pliable with pious pretenses
Historic — different than last week
Unprecedented — different than last month
Emergency — the gift that keeps giving
Transparency — a pledge ritually made in lieu of full disclosure
Inspector General — honorary figureheads placed over federal agencies to foster the illusion that nothing can go amiss
Laissez-faire — any economic relationship not yet under complete federal control
Truth — whatever people will swallow
Majestic — whatever people bow to
Legacy — any political boast that survives more than three 24-hour news cycles
Idealism — an incantation that expunges all past warnings about political power
Kleptocracy — thieving foreign politicians (not valid domestically)
Precedent — a perfidy entitlement
State of the Union address — annual fact-flogging keystone of the Pundit Relief Program
Sovereignty — legal synonym for impunity
Czar — a political tool whose appointment and grandiose title can temporarily deflect criticism of a bureaucratic quagmire
Due process — any government process that gives troublemakers what they deserve
Gross Domestic Product — a long-running statistical burlesque invoked to justify perpetuating calamitous policies
Taxation — preemptive protection from pecuniary temptation
Handout — a government benefit received primarily by the supporters of the other party
Misgovernment — an imaginary occurrence which only imbeciles and rubes believe exists
Ethics — a Swiss-cheese set of rules that almost always pre-absolves political business-as-usual
Non-partisan — fervently prejudiced against everything except Republicans and Democrats
Mandate — whatever a winning politician can get away with
Honorable — any public figure who has not yet been indicted
Bill of Rights — (archaic) political invocation popular in 1790s
Fair play — any process in which politicians or bureaucrats pick winners and losers
Extremist — anyone who disagrees with or undermines official policy
Rule of Law — the latest edicts from a deputy assistant Labor Secretary or deputy assistant HUD Secretary
Patriotic — any appeal that keeps people paying and obeying
Waste — federal spending that fails to generate laudatory headlines, votes or campaign contributions
Corruption — any offense that can be profitably prosecuted to restore faith in "good governance"
Voting rights — any electoral arrangement which satisfies editorial writers without imperiling the dominance of Republicans or Democrats
Proof — allegations backed by campaign contributions
Pragmatic — any monumental bipartisan accord which keeps the gravy train flowing inside the Beltway for at least another 90 days
Constitutional — any White House action that fails to spur simultaneous armed uprisings in the majority of Red States
Freedom — whatever rulers have not yet benevolently prohibited
Humility — any politician who does not swear that both God and Jesus pre-ordained his reelection
Scofflaw — someone whose missteps can miraculously transform a prosecutor into a congressman
Hero — anyone who can boost Amerikans' trust in government by 2% or more
Respectable — anyone who vociferously venerates the Status Quo
Election — when voters are permitted to freely consent to one of the two aspiring despots offered by the major parties
Good faith — any pronouncement a government spokesman publicly recites without guffawing
Law — Any hodgepodge of commands and special interest windfalls heaved together under a misleading title which is rubber stamped by Congress and fails to make five Supreme Court justices visibly retch
Cynic — anyone who expresses doubt about the latest bipartisan agreement to gradually eliminate the federal budget deficit over the next 117 years
Anarchist — anyone who advocates across-the-board spending cuts of more than 3.63%
Injustice — any purported private abuse that provides a sufficient pretext to enact new legislation promising to rid the nation of evil
Scurrilous — anyone who mentions previous federal failures when the president proposes glorious new programs
Liberate — Appending new criminal penalties to the statute book to rid citizens of the latest vice identified by Beltway visionaries
Legitimacy — whatever