Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man came into the ER and yells, “My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
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2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be, replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, Washington
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3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
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4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?” I asked. “The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!”

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,  Norfolk,  Virginia
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5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,  Corvallis,  Oregon
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6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, “So how's your breakfast this morning?”

"It's very good, except for the  Kentucky  Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,  Detroit,  Michigan
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7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely nude they noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN, no name
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8. As a new, young doctor doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?”

She replied, “No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner’”.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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