Stimulus checks

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another “economic stimulus” payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Question: What is an “Economic Stimulus” payment?

Answer: It is money that the Federal government will send to taxpayers.

Question: Where will the government get this money?

Answer: From the taxpayers.

Question: So the government is giving me back my own money?

Answer: Only a smidgen of it.

Question: What is the purpose of this payment?

Answer: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High Definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Question: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

Answer: Shut up and stop asking so many stupid questions.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

1. Spending it at yard sales, or
2. Going to ball games, or
3. Spending it on prostitutes, or
4. Beer or
5. Tattoos.