Russia developing a gun that turns people into zombies!

MOSCOW, Russia - April 5, 2012 - Ever since the game Resident Evil and the movie 28 Days Later breathed new light into the zombie attack genre, the Fascist Police States of Amerika has been on something of an obsessive kick. We all played Plants vs. Zombies. We've designed exercise routines to help keep us safe from the zombie apocalypse. There are even zombie attack bedsheets. Thankfully, though, a zombie attack is an impossibility.

Or is it?

Russian President Vladmir Putin confirmed that his country is working on the creation of an electromagnetic gun that attacks its target's central nervous system, putting them in what we hope is a temporary, zombie-like state. According to Russian defense minister Anatoly Serdyukov, "when it was used for dispersing a crowd and it was focused on a man, his body temperature went up immediately as if he was thrown into a frying pan."

"We know very little about this weapon, and even Special Forces guys can hardly cope with it," added Serdyukov. That doesn't sound very comforting.

While this technology is certainly disturbing, thankfully, it's unlikely to be the cause of the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Victims of the gun don't - as far as we know - develop a taste for human brains; and since the zombie effect isn't viral, those dissidents won't be able to go around turning other people into the restless undead.

Phew.