WASHINGTON - January 19, 2009 - “I have to congratulate all of you for a fantastic job during these last eight years,” said the Secret Service Chief.
“You guys and girls had to put up with a drunken Dubya, his witch of a wife and the two little tramps they reared.
“Then, you had to put up with the foul-mouthed self-appointed VP, always telling us to ‘F*ck off’, and saving him politically for shooting his lawyer friend while having an argument and being roaring drunk.
“W was a closet drunk, except the whole White House was the closet. W would hit the bed shortly after his binge while Dick was an obvious drunk by going around swearing at everyone he saw. We couldn’t save him the day he decided to go to the Senate and tell a Senator to ‘F*ck off’.
“George, when tipsy, often made us laugh when we would try to put him to bed and he would look for bin Laden under the bed and in the closets. At those times, he would even claim that we were all an Al-Qaeda cell.
“We would always have to write excuses for Dubya to read to the press whenever he screwed up. Like the time he almost killed himself fighting with that pretzel. The problem is, we also had to teach him how to pronounce the words he was reading.
“Dick always took care of his own problems by just outright lying. You could show him a video to prove he was lying and he would say, ‘I didn’t say that.’
“I’m also reminded of the beginning, when we told George that Manhattan was being destroyed and he continued reading ‘My Pet Goat’ to the children.
“The time you guys had to spend down in the bunkers with drunken Dick while 9/11 was happening was no fun either. I cringed when he imitated George Bush and was able to get the Air Force to shoot down one of the hijacked planes over Pennsylvania.
“It was a rough eight years, but now, looking back, it was pretty funny.
“Now we have to get ready for our new charges. I hope Obama doesn’t have too many skeletons in his closet.”
Ed. Note: Although this is a parody, it’s probably not too far from the truth.